If Only
by call.me.alex
Summary: One shot. Ashley's confessional. Spencer broke up with Ashley, and she can't get over it. She relives every moment with pain and agony.


If Only

If someone had told me three years ago that we wouldn't work out, I never would have begun. If they had told me that I would only grow to love you more while you loved me less, I would've stopped right there and turned around. The pain and agony of knowing that you were never happy can not combat the joy I felt every moment I spent with you. Oh God, how I wish it did. I wish your words now didn't hurt me like they do. I know they only do because I still love you while you move on with someone else. You are already happy, for the first time in years. Or so you say. I thought you _were _happy.

February 7, 2011: The day you messaged me. I had only been single for a few shorts months. My wounds still fresh, I was simply looking for new friends. A way to distract myself from the previous girl. And there you were. Out of nowhere you say hi. And I think to myself, who is this gorgeous girl? Who am I to deserve a conversation with you. If only I had known then. But I didn't. I messaged you back. And for days we continued like that, until I finally asked for your number. We texted and IMed non-stop. We talked so much my friends started asking who you were. They bugged me constantly. They teased me and made me blush. I loved it though. I was starting to like you.

February 14, 2011: Valentine's day. I asked you to be mine. You said yes. I was so happy that I couldn't contain myself. I was overwhelmed with joy. Who were you? No one yet. Just a girl.

February 22, 2011: My life started. I asked you out. I asked you to be mine. To be my girlfriend. And you said yes. I felt like I was on top of the world. Like I could conquer anything. You made life worth living. And that's where it all began.

Life at home was never easy. My parents were never accepting of me. Of you. They left me with nothing. Asked me to leave and never come back. But you were there to pick up all the pieces. You took a shattered version of me and made it whole. You took me with you to college. I watched you succeed happily, while I stayed behind simply working. Praying for a way to go back to school. I was happy though, because I had you, and you were my world. You gave me purpose when I had none. You gave me hope and you encouraged me to dream. When I strayed and became lazy, you forced me back up. I could never thank you enough for that. But God, if only I had known.

January 26, 2013: Your birthday. I got your named tattooed on my body. What better way to show my eternal love for you then to have you forever with me, both body and mind. It was a symbol of our love. That when you'd lie on my chest, you'd run your fingers across and smile up at me. Knowing that I loved you more than anything. Knowing that I'd devote my whole life to you, to making you happy. If only I knew then what I know now. That you were never happy, that I was never going to make you happy. No matter how much I loved you. No matter how I showed you.

September 6, 2013: The day my life ended. You left me. With nothing but a broken heart and bitter sweet memories. I do nothing but dream of you. Dream of the many happy moments I thought we had. I dream of what we were and what we could've been. I begged you to give me another chance. That I could be what you wanted and needed, but it was no use. You had stopped loving me years before. You were tired of settling on me. On our love and what we had. You wanted to be happy, and I couldn't give it to you. No matter what I said or did. You had you're mind made up. No matter how much I begged or pleaded. You knew we had been through while I was blindly unaware. I wish I had known. I would've given anything in that very moment to have known you. To have never felt the pain I was feeling then. If only I had known it would feel like someone tearing out my soul. For you had taken my heart years ago. And it will remain with you. Whether you know it or not, it never belonged to me. I was born to love you. And you were born to break me apart, just as you had once put me back together. I will always love you, and while that makes you feel guilty, I don't care. I was born to love you, and I will die, still loving you.


End file.
